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Some shitty news

Well, we figured out what's going on with my skin and why I'm so tired all the time.

I just got diagnosed a few days ago with a rare skin disease. I knew I liked to beat the odds (never tell me the odds), and yet here I am, beating them for a shitty reason.

I will warn you in advance. If you google this, some of the images are very graphic for advanced cases.

So, the title of the disease is "Hidradenitis Suppurativa". Basically, it's a skin disease with no current cure. IT IS NOT CONTAGIOUS. From what I understand the majority of the cases involving it get worse. Sweat glands don't drain properly in some areas of my body (in my case, in one area under each armpit so far). They clog up and cause boils that burst eventually, causing small little puncture wounds or holes that don't ever really heal. Little tunnels can form under the skin and a new lesion pops up at the other side. Of course it's creepy as fuck, and the tunnels don't heal either usually. I had one tunnel that was quite visible, but one end of it has scarred over and the other appears like it might be shrinking. I think I might have another smaller tunnel on the other side but I can't tell, the openings are too small to be sure they're there.

It can be managed by drugs, but not always, and generally if it isn't able to be shoved into remission somehow, it just gets worse.

I'm really hoping mine won't. I am somewhat optimistic because for most people, this sets in right at and around when they hit puberty and I only just got it. Obviously I hit puberty a long time ago, so perhaps this means that my case won't be as severe. We also caught it much earlier than most people do, if I'm reading online stuff right. They tend to suffer for years before either their doctor figures out what it is or decides to refer them to a dermatologist, who MIGHT know what it is. There's little research on the subject but catching it early can really help minimize things, so...

Fingers crossed.

My mom is quite optimistic. I guess I can be too, once I get over the whole freak out factor. I've scared myself quite a bit with it, and with the medications involved, and with good old google. I guess it's good to be armed with knowledge but sometimes it just takes the sleep out of my night, you know?

I haven't seen my doctor since I saw the dermatologist. I hope he knows more or has learned something. I had no idea what to ask the dermatologist when she told me what was going on, since I've never heard of it either, but hopefully when I see her again in december I can learn more, and ask more.

Hell, it might have been triggered just because I was working out at the gym really hard and sweating too much, and it's been exceptionally hot and humid here. Maybe it was just one big shitty combination. I don't know.


For now I'm just tired and depressed. I've been off work for two weeks for this, and have another two weeks yet before I see the doctor. I'm a bit bored, a lot scared, and depressed. A lot of worst case scenarios are flipping through my head off and on and I'm not sure how to deal with them. If it does get worse, I'm going to be one big gross stress ball, I can tell you that much.

Anywho, I guess it's just an update to those of you whom I haven't had the chance to tell yet.


I have not posted in a long time.

I used to use this thing a lot more than I have lately.

Not sure why I haven't been blogging as much. I guess I've been a bit busy, or it's more of a winter thing for me maybe. I dunno. But I have been thinking about it for  a few days, and so I'm going to try and catch up on what's been going on.


I've been working for MTS since January. At first I was really super scared to work there because it was going to be another call center job, and I've always told myself I didn't ever want to do that again. As we went through training I thought that I really liked the job, but when we hit the floor I hit a low and was terrified. But I stuck with it somehow, and now I still think I actually like it.

They're a really good company to work for, and the environment there is ALWAYS really positive. They do a lot for us and the work itself isn't all that boring. It's started to get a little boring, maybe, because I've been here now for half a year and I'm starting to get the hang of it. I still get stumped of course but not as often, and I'm not so scared anymore.

We were slow for the last several weeks to the point where almost everyone had their hours cut. We knew it would happen since most of the employees there are actually casual part time, including me. But we had no idea that so MANY people would be cut down, including people who had been there for years. This place is very much about seniority, so we were kind of shocked when it happened. And a little mad, too, since there have been at LEAST two more training classes that have passed through since ours, and another one (or more) just hitting their nesting period on the floor now. Why hire so many more people when we aren't needed badly?

Anyway, on the whole, I've made some friends there, or acquaintances at least, and I'm comfortable. The pay is really good even though I took a lot of voluntary time off (it was slow, it was summer out... ). And my boss is super cool and understanding, especially lately because I've been...


Yeah. Sick. I know it's probably kind of gross, but I'll go into it.

I've had these lumps under my arms for a long time. I know I've had them before, like a long time ago when I was a kid and I remember that I was braver and I intentionally pressed hard on one until it popped. There was pus and such, but then it healed and I mostly forgot about it. So, a few months ago now, I found these bumps again. They weren't all that painful, just annoying. I told my doctor about them and he said that if they got worse we'd deal with it then.

Some months later they started to get a lot worse. Now they seem to be infections. One day one of them started to leak pus as well and become quite painful, and the other one was bleeding a little bit. I saw the doctor and he gave me some antibiotics. He told me that if they didn't work I'd have to come back right away (and didn't tell me he'd be on vacation). He also mentioned that if it started to spread I'd have to go to the ER, so to watch out for the signs.

It didn't really spread, but the antibiotics didn't do anything either. I tried, at the last day of my pills, to make another appointment. I was at the clinic anyway to have blood taken and tested. We're trying to figure out why I'm so tired all the time as well, though I think it might just be related to the infection, or possibly sleep apnea. It's only then I find out that the entire office upstairs is out for the week so I have to wait until monday to make a new appointment. I did, though, so now I get to see him this friday.

Still, the infection is getting worse. It's spread a bit, and it's getting more red and painful. I'm tired all the time, a bit dizzy and nauseous sometimes, and have headaches here and there as well. I think I might also have a bladder infection too since I apparently need to pee one million times a day. :p

Anywho, that's all a lot of personal information. No worries if you skipped over it, I understand completely.

Next thing will be to convince him to test me for the sleep issues thing. He wouldn't send me to the sleep clinic right away. He wanted me to try and get Kyle to watch me sleep first to "see if I stop breathing". I think that's kind of a dumb idea... I mean it makes sense in theory, but I have some questions about it. A> How is Kyle going to watch me without me waking up? I'm a fairly light sleeper as it is and when he gets up, I usually know it. b> How would he get up without my knowing? He'd have to do it in the middle of the night after I've been sleeping awhile, and he NEEDS an alarm to get up. If he sets one, I WILL hear it. If he sleeps in another room, wakes up, and comes to watch me I WILL hear him walk up to me.

Why can't he just send me to the damned clinic? I'm going to press him about that in the future. But first, I want to clear up this infection business.


Not much else going on. We've been redecorating though! Finally.

I think my mom got really tired of that paint sitting in the closet for over a year. We painted the dining room this spring I think, but we never did the living room, which was the same color. So the other day mom said she'd be in town, and I had a day off, so we were going to paint. End of story.

I'm glad she pushed the issue because it looks REALLY awesome now. I'm super pleased. I'll post some pictures!

These were taken this evening so maybe it's not the best example of the color... it makes it look like a pumpkin, although it's not really all that bright in there.

Living room

The living room isn't done yet. There's a lot of decorating and stuff to do in here yet... but the paint really makes all the difference already. I know the rug looks a big like leopard print but I promise it isn't. It's a bit shiny as it's chenille but it's a nice chocolate brown, I promise.

Dining room

It's really coming together nicely in here. All that's left now is a rug on the floor and a few things on some of the walls and I'll be done in there. :3

We also just bought a new rug today for the living room. We had one in there, but now that we've painted it looks shitty. Mom gave me some birthday money recently as well and I thought what the fuck, why not have a rug in there that we actually love! Furniture is next, although a bit more pricey of course. So for now that dumb green futon is still in there, making things all weird, but it still looks a lot better.

We moved the plant into the dining room from the living room as well, looks good I think.

Anywho. Only other thing is that I finally got my Reiki level I. I just need to frame up that certificate and get practicing!

Hope people still read this garbage


Oh god I'm a pony

Cutie Mark suggestions?

Facial cleansers and moisturizers!

So, people of Winnipeg, I was curious.

What products do you use on your faces?

I'm finding lately that some of my Clearasil products don't really cut it anymore. They haven't done much of anything for me, and I'm just using the last stack of pre-soaked facial pads that I bought. I'm looking to see what else is out there.

So, what do you use to keep your skin clear? What products do you prefer, what stories have you heard? Why do you like what you like, and hate what you hate?

What do you use to spot treat?

I've been specifically curious about two things.

1. I've heard that the Clinique 3-step program (or is it 4?) is pretty good. But it's pretty pricey... is it actually worth all that dough?

2. Lots of ladies at the office are talking about Arbonne products. I have heard good and bad, although a lot of bias in favour from sellers I'm sure. What has been the general experience with it so far?

Thanks folks! It's hard, I don't really have many folk to discuss this kind of thing with, and I'm always looking to learn more about what's available.


So, I just completed Reiki I!

It was really great. I was waiting a really long time for a class that was reasonably priced to come along, and I guess one finally did. There was a bit of "oh wow good timing" to this as well, I guess, which I'll explain.

Mostly, I'd been rejecting some of the things I'd been told, such as in that reading Liz's aunt did years ago, for a very long time. I believed in them, but I didn't BELIEVE in them. I didn't believe in myself, either. Finally I just figured fuck it. There's no sense banging my head against this forever, and I'm not going to lose anything major by just accepting it and going with it. For serious, this time.

So, like the day after I did that, I saw an advertisement on the bulletin board at work for a Reiki workshop, and it was very reasonable. I thought that it was kind of a good coincidence and figured I'd jump on it.

Lucky for me that the woman who'd called just before me was actually unable to attend and I was able to take the last spot.

It was a lot easier than I'd thought. I knew there were a lot of hand positions and I'd worried I would forget them, but in the end it's not really a huge deal at all. I ended the day feeling sick but that's kind of my fault. I'll get into that.

When we first paired up with people to practise what we'd learned in the first half of the day, I was on the table first. The girl working on me hand her hands on my stomach somewhere, and I was concentrating on that and how it felt, when suddenly her hands were somewhere else at the same time I felt them both in the same place I'd been concentrating. It scared me at first because it seriously felt as though there were two pairs of hands on me, not just one.
I know that's not possible because the room we had the massage table in was tiny, BARELY enough for the table and the two of us, and that side of me was inaccessible. 

Later it was my turn to work on her. It was going well, actually. I was worried it somehow wouldn't, but I felt the heat in my hands easily and was happy that it was turning out. But I just got so hot myself, all over my body that I had to ditch my sweater. I found that strange since the entire floor was quite cold, and we'd all been hiding under blankets and pillows during the lessons because of it. The windows were still open and when I asked the girl after our session, she said nope, she was still freezing. I quickly cooled down after that but I couldn't shake the headache. I had felt nauseous when she had her hands over a specific area and it got worse after this so I figure... didn't drink enough water.

We had two attunements. During these, the teacher wasn't supposed to speak, so when we were done with her in the private room, she would put her hand on our shoulder. During the second session with her I felt her hand on my shoulder, but this time she didn't let up. I could feel her standing behind me, her hand on my shoulder. I was a bit confused so I stayed seated in the position requested until a good thirty seconds to a minute passed. When I looked up, I could still feel her hand on my shoulder and yet she was out of reach of me, her back against the wall near the door waiting for me to get up and leave.

Finally, the day was ending and we were doing our last sessions. I had a different partner and she was working on my back, so I was laying face down on the massage table. She had both her hands on my right shoulder-blade area, or at least that's what I thought, since she had a lighter touch. Suddenly, all down the left side of my body, I felt someone slowly and gently poking me with the tip of a finger. I was kind of annoyed at first because I thought "what is she doing? We're only supposed to do stuff from the book today" but I waited until my session was over to ask her about it.
I asked her why she did that and she said she hadn't done it at all. I wondered if it was someone else in the room but we were alone, no one nearby, and she swears it wasn't her.

So, there were a lot of strange experiences with touch today! I'm curious to see what'll happen next, :p

Anyway, that's my experience with it. It was an awesome class, and I hope to do level 2 one of these days in the next several months.


Dreaming again

I haven't posted one in awhile.

This came after the reading Alicon gave last night, but also while I had a cold and was all medicated on Buckley's.

The most interesting part to me is that I finally got to try on dresses. In my dreams I never get to do that.


Read more...Collapse )


Apr. 1st, 2011

Hey guess what!

Guess what happened today!

Kyle asked me to marry him!


I'm so happy. I feel kinda bad for him 'cause I just came down from having a bath and we were just chatting, and he said "and hey, will you marry me?" and I was like "wat". I thought he was kidding a little bit. But then he wasn't, and I cried and was happy.


I think it will sink in fully tonight/tomorrow/right now
I ruin everything.

Kyle just imported an awesome car for me from the states. I love it. I fucking love the car, it's so amazing and powerful and everything I wanted in a car.

I was having a shitty afternoon, just tired and PMS and what have you, so when we went out to take care of the inspections and stuff I guess I freaked out over how much more it will cost a month. It's not THAT much more but it was different than what I expected and I just freaked out.

There were some one-time costs I had either forgotten about or didn't expect, and I just kind of flipped my shit. I started to panic about how much debt I have and I just became a robot. When we got home I cried for awhile and just kind of tried to talk to Kyle about it, but I just made him mad. I guess he thought I didn't want the car anymore and he'd gone though all this work and research and paid all this money for me to have it.

It was never that I didn't want the car. I fucking love this car. I just freaked out and everything kind of hit me at once, and that was that. Then when I talked to him about it and he got mad I freaked out more because I never meant that at all, and now I just feel like shit because he thinks I don't appreciate what he did for me.

I guess, in a way, I'm also upset because I just wanted to vent and I fucked it up. I never thought it would seem that way, just wanted to panic to someone. And then I made him mad and I felt really alone and scared.

Why do I fuck shit up all the time? Why can't I be a normal human being?


Feeling Good

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